An Intimate Moment with Zacchaeus

This is one of the few lessons that I remember reading from before - though this is probably the one I remember my reaction most the first time I read it, and why I almost dreaded reading it again for today.... I bawled... this will probably be the most personal lesson for me out of this entire book b/c I relate to this story so intimately....

the first time I read it, I was in jr college, fresh out of high school... things were going good, I was getting involved, I had made new friends, school was going well.... I thought I had left the past behind me and started new.... dont get me wrong, high school was mostly great, but it had its moments - I was ready to spread my wings and fly....

I had some extra time, so I figured I would go to my dorm room and spend some quiet time with this book and with my God..... I got to the following part and had to stop...

"Somehow this short man has survived growing up in a tall world. Growing up the object of stares. Growing up the brunt of jokes. Growing up the kid who got pushed around. In the jostled process of growing up, a part of his childhood was trodden underfoot. And that tender part of him died. Crushed under the callused and often cruel feet of the tall. And yet he carries that stepped-on part of himself everywhere he goes. Even up the stout trunk of that sycamore tree. But somewhere along the way to adulthood Zacchaeus learned to compensate - first, to laugh at the jokes, and later, to fight back."

I just sat on my bed and let the tears flow freely.... this was me, my life, printed out for everyone to read. In case I havent mentioned it before, Im only 4'8"... people can be so mean. I cant tell you how often I wished I had never been born by that time in my life b/c that would have been better than going through the torture that I felt most days. I did learn to fight back - with words. I became an expert at hurling words straight into the heart of people, just as they had done me.

And then I refound the Savior. I found my purpose and place in Christ my senior year of high school.... the scars were still fresh though, and they still bled... often.

Jr college is where I first saw people my own age living for Christ, and that had a severe impact on my outlook. For the first time, I felt like people really cared about me and who I was, not just how cute or tiny I was. It was a very freeing. To live under the wing of God's protection those 2 years. It was like the water after being put in the fire and hammered out. It was relief, but it also made me harder and stronger. I no longer felt like I had to carry the weight of my past life and the insults. Yes, they still came, but they didnt sink in like they used to.

Soon after that, I met my husband. Here was where God's love truly was exemplified. He didnt care how small I was. He cared that I had been hurt before. He didnt care that there were alot of things that I just couldnt do. He wanted to do them for me. He didnt care that I was insulted over and over again by the world. He wanted to be the one who protected me and stood watch over me. Here is where I finally could see Christ's love brought into flesh. And I know God loved me enough to give me that tangible evidence of His love b/c that is what I needed at the time. I needed to feel someone love me. To feel someone's arms wrap around me in a huge hug. I needed to look into someone's face and know that they cared. I needed to hear someone's voice telling me that it was ok.

When in jr college, I read an article with DC Talk (youth oriented Christian band) and it was about them and their new album. One of the members was newly married, and he was talking about one of their songs, Consume Me. (if you dont know this song, you should at least check out the lyrics) This was "my" worship song at the time - you know that one song that you have that always puts you in the mood to worship, or if you cant find the words, then the song says it for you. Well, he mentioned that when he sings this song, sometimes he thinks about his wife. And I, in my pharisitical ferver, pretty much deemed this blasphemy. I couldnt understand how a song about God could be applied equally to your mate. I get it now....

It didnt hurt near as bad to read this lesson this time, although it still dredges up old feelings and hurts. The insults are still there. Do they still bother me? yeah, at times they do... Do I dwell on them? Nah... those are not the thoughts of my God, my husband, or my son - they have no place in my heart....

"And amid the rubble, that crushed, stepped-on part of this litte man's heart springs to life."