An Insiders Look at OCD

Hmmmm…. Ive never written about my OCD in detail, I guess because Ive never trusted that much. Rarely, have I even talked about it – mostly just with my husband. I cant say this is going to be very good or easily understood. How do you explain something to someone who has never experienced it themselves? How do you explain color to a blind man?

Lets see…. Ive had OCD since I was 11. I was very aware that it was developing, but had no way of knowing what it was or how to control it. I only found out the name when I was reading an article about it in a magazine once. This was before general access to the internet, so I had know real way to educate myself on this disorder. Even now that I do have access, I really haven’t looked too far into it. For one, I don’t feel a need – Im already an expert on what it can do to you and make you do. Secondly, my OCD dictates that I don’t.

I know OCD takes on many forms and everyone’s is probably similar, but yet completely personal and unique to that person. And maybe everyone has it to a degree, I don’t know. I only know of my own. Mine is not the cleaning, hand-washing, germaphobe type that you typically see on tv or movies (like Monk). I am very lax on germs most times and I hate cleaning. I also don’t really have to do the same things over and over a certain number of times – like touch the doorknob or lightswitch 5 times.

My OCD is based more in symmetry and order. One of the big things that I do a lot is read the road signs. Uh yeah, I know most people read the road signs. But I have to read them all in a certain order and a certain annunciation. And do this before I come to the next road sign, or I cant read the next road sign – which I have to do. I have pretty much all the road signs memorized from any way I travel usually. Like for instance, any speed limit sign, I must say that sign twice because there is probably another one on the other side of the road that matches it, and if there isn’t, there should be. When we travel, often I do not like outside the window if I know a lot of signs are upcoming because I don’t want to go through the hassle because if I see them, I must go through this ritual. Or I look past them into fields or at the buildings, but if I see one word on the sign, I must do the whole thing.

Another thing that I do that is probably not going to make any sense to anyone is outline things. Any situation I see, inside my mouth, I use my tongue to outline whatever I see. Like on tv, if there is a persons head, I outline that in my mouth. Or in a room, I outline all the furniture. Or on the road I outline the signs (along with doing my reading) or telephone poles – which are tedious b/c there is no end to them. This is a constant thing.

Other things I do are putting things in a certain order or spacing. Like if I set my glass down, the bottom has to set down perfectly where all of the bottom of the glass touches. Half of the glass cant touch before the other part does. I have to redo this over and over until I get it right.

At my old church, I used to do the church sign – you know with the clever sayings and all. There was only room to do about one sentence, but it usually took me at least an hour or an hour and a half until I got it because everything had to be spaced out perfectly. It all had to be centered. Both lines has to be symmetrical to one another. The spacing between letters had to be perfect and exact, as did the spacing between words.

I don’t know if any of you saw The Aviator and Leonardo DiCaprio plays Howard Hughes which had OCD. There is a part of the movie that Leo kept repeating the same phrase over and over. It was very obvious to me that Leo did not have OCD because he did that part completely wrong, although probably convincing to anyone that does not have OCD. He kept saying the same phrase over and over the same way. ODC-er’s would have said this phrase over and over, but with ever so slight differences. I know because I do this as well. The annunciation must be perfect, so I say things over and over until I feel it is correct – usually under my breath though so no one else hears me and thinks Im crazy – unless its my husband, I do this in front of him. Same thing with reading. I often read something over and over until I feel I am annunciating it right in my head.

My husband must endure this as well. He must do certain things a certain way or I will wait until he does do them a certain way. This is harder to give examples for, but I know I do it with the blanket that I use. The blanket looks square, but it is a very slight rectangle, and I, obviously know which sides are the longest. If he puts the blanket on me, then he must put it lengthwise, or do it over. There are certain places that we have to walk a certain path. Hes pretty good at putting up with me b/c I think he understands how hard it is for me.

These are just some of the things that I do. But the worst one is that I have voices in my head telling me to do harmful things. Usually to myself. Sometimes to other people. A lot of it is to find out how it would feel. I do not do these things. I have enough control over myself not to have to mind these voices, but they are there a lot and come out of the blue. For example, in high school, it almost made me anorexic. I could only eat a certain amount of food a day and that was it. That scared me, so I had my mom take me to the dr. That’s when I was really diagnosed with OCD, although I knew I had way before then. I took prozac for awhile, but it didn’t do anything at all, so I quit. I don’t like taking medicine anyway.

Why do I do these things? Because I feel compelled to. I must do them, there is no ultimatum, I just simply must do them. I often feel out of control, and know that I could probably stop if I wanted, but I cant. I think this is the hardest part to explain to people. I simply cannot quit doing these things even though I am conscious of them. I have tried before to not do a few things, but the voices/compulsions eat me alive and I find myself going back and doing them so I can get some peace. And in a weird way, doing these things has now become a comfort.

Ok, so there you go… a brief inside look on OCD. I am telling you this because I trust you not to think Im crazy. Not to think Im possessed. Not to go telling everyone about what Ive said or anything.