Scattered

"What name do you give to the realization that all your beliefs were a cosmic joke? That all you held as true is illusion? How do you grapple with the knowledge that your Savior couldn't even save himself? Is there a word in any language that can speak the color of that emotion?"

No, I'm sorry, but there's not.

I kept flashing back to all the "big" disappointments in my life as I read this chapter - relationships that didn't work out, championship ball games that were never won, jobs I wanted but didn't get, people I loved that got sick and never got well again...

There have been times when life has been heartbreaking for me and, yet, NOTHING compares to this. For the disciples to have witnessed this event and not have it drive them mad is almost unthinkable to me. I think had I experienced this amount of devastation it would have done me in...I really do.

Even today, right now, this very minute, while I fight off some demons of what is 'right' in faith and what is 'not' I wonder if I'm only being a fool for God. Are we all being fools for Him? But then something in my heart stirs and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is real...that Christ lives on...that I will spend forever in the arms of my beloved Savior one day...and the world is right again.

But if I had gone through what the disciples went through? I really can't even imagine it. My heart's been broken before but this would be a break so deep I would think there would be no recovery (at least not for three more days...)

I had to look at the name of this Chapter twice because I wasn't really sure if it read "Scattered" or "Shattered." By the time I was finished reading it I was pretty sure it was the second title.

Either one seems to fit.