An Instructive Moment About Forgiveness

To be honest, the meditation section of this chapter really didn't do anything for me at all. I didn't have one moment where it reached in and grabbed me or made me stop to say, "I never looked at it that way before" but...when I got to the prayer, that was a different matter.

"Forgive me for all the ways I have prostituted my life..."

I am not going to subject you all to airing out my dirty personal laundry here. The fact that I am in my mid-forties and have never yet married probably leaves little doubt that I am probably not the world's oldest living virgin and it pretty much eliminates the possibility of me having married the first man I ever "fell in love with." Let's just say my relationships with men have been a low point for me for the most part - not that I hung out in bars going home with a different guy every weekend - in fact, far from it - but like I said, I didn't marry the first man I "fell in love with," either...

At the time, I felt it was "empowering" to be able to say who and when and for what reason I would give myself to someone. I don't see it that way now. I was all into being the "Cosmopolitan woman" taking the love quizzes in the magazine and reading up on all the latest ways to tantalize a man. It was such a waste of who I was. It was such a waste of what I had to give. It was all a darn waste. But could I see that then? No, I was too deep in sin to see through even the dirtiest of mirrors.

Did I compromise my character? Oh yeah. Did I cheapen my life and the lives of others? Uh huh. Were there times in my life when I really should have asked for them to leave a little something on the nightstand before they snuck off into the night? Thankfully, no. Each was a real relationship with a real committment of sorts - just not the committment I was really longing for - one of permanence and marriage.

Several years ago I finally called a halt to letting things continue as they had. Yes, it's safe to say I now understand the vow of celibacy as well as any other human being. I know the strength you gain from no longer allowing yourself to be used simply for the sake of pleasure. I know the courage it takes to tell someone you're dating that sleeping with them is not going to be an option before marriage. I also know how lonely it can be to go for years on end without feeling the arms of someone you love wrap around you in an intimate hug or experiencing a kiss that sweeps you off your feet.

It is lonely, yes. But it has finally taught me where my true power lies and that my worth far exceeds any currency that could be left on the top of a bedside table.

I have to wonder if the prostitute in this story didn't finally learn the same thing - her worth. The story doesn't go on to say whether the woman was forever changed or whether she went back to being on the street corner that next night, but I think we can all agree she was a changed woman. Thankfully, so am I.

And folks, if that's not the most personal information you ever get me to write on a blog at any time in my entire life, then God help us all. [Lord, what I won't share with you women!]