Wounded

For so many years, I simply couldn’t understand it. God let his own son die on the cross. No matter how they explained it to me, I just couldn’t get a grip on it. God is love but He did this? God left His own Son hanging on a cross to die? God took my punishment out on Jesus?

I simply couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

But then my heart changed.

I remember watching "The Passion of the Christ" on DVD one afternoon shortly after my little close encounter with the Holy Spirit and I had to keep pausing the tape. I was in emotional shambles by the time I got to the end of the movie. Somewhere, somehow, I finally "got it." And once I did, there was no turning back. Everything clicked into place and the pain of what Jesus bore because I am a sinner literally broke me. I walked around in pieces for weeks afterwards.

It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I found out what "brokeness" is all about – how God will break you down in order to build you back up better than before. Man, was that painful – I couldn’t stop crying; I couldn’t stop begging for mercy. I couldn’t believe He did that for me.
It started me on my journey with Christ and I’ve never looked back. I’ve also never forgotten what He went through for me. It still humbles me to this day. May I never live to see a moment of life where I ever discount what He took on in order for me to come to sit at the feet of God.

My first Easter meant so much to me. Between the Lenten prayer blog and the meditations I was writing for Good Friday at my church, I was immersed in it all once again. I’ll never forget the morning I pulled out of my neighborhood and saw the black organza fabric blowing in the breeze over the large wooden cross of the Baptist church across from my house. I ran home and grabbed my camera and walked across a parking lot to shoot off a few pictures. Seeing that black fabric over the cross was one thing but seeing the sun shine through the black fabric was quite another. I realized that nothing could block out the light of our Lord.

Then, I realized if I didn’t get going I was going to seriously be late for work, I turned to walk back to the car. The moment my back was to the cross I heard, "Never forget what this feels like – never again turn your back on the cross that Jesus died on for you." I took a few more steps to my car and grabbed onto the hood to keep from falling to my knees - sobs racking every muscle in my body. That day, Jesus became personal to me and it has stayed with me ever since. Once you learn that lesson, the gratitude that you carry with you lasts your entire lifetime.